BATMAN : Three Flew Over The KooKoo's Nest
by Doctor Whoops
Summary: Joker Scarecrow and Killer Croc bust out of Arkham with hillarious results, As always dedicated to P & J with love.EDITED FOR CLARITY.


THREE FLEW OVER THE KOO-KOO'S NEST!

It was fifteen minutes to lock down in Category A the high security wing of Arkham Asylum For The Criminally Insane. The Orderly had already switched off the TV, twenty minutes earlier than he was supposed to. Soon the siren would sound and the patients would line up by their cells for the last headcount of the day.

Harvey "Two-Face" Dent looked up from his book and sighed; the monotony of Arkham life was beginning to get to him. He glanced around the usual dismal scenario of the dayroom. Riddler and Ventriloquist arguing over shuffleboard on the table next to his, Maxie Zeus arguing with the orderly who switched off the TV ten minutes before the end of Spartacus.

"Get over it Zeus! He dies end of movie!" The orderly walked off dismissively.

Two-Face returned to his book shaking his head. How much more of this could he take? The only reason he allowed himself to remain in captivity in the first place was that he had yet to be inspired. He like most of his fellow inmates, needed a plan, a flood of inspiration that big trademark score, combined with a diabolical trap to get even with The Bat. That was all any of them looked forward to. Escaping the Asylum was easy, there were at least several ways that Two-Face knew of, including a sewer access that almost everyone had used at some point, but as yet had not reached the attention of the asylum administration. It was even rumoured that this was The Bat's favourite point of entry and egress, whenever he made a night time visit for interrogation purposes. Not surprisingly it was shortly after this rumour began circulation that most escapees, other than a determined few, began to favour other forms of egress.

"Hey Harv." someone hissed in his ear, "have you heard the news?"

Two-Face glared in the direction of this unwarranted intrusion. It was Jervis Tetch AKA The Mad Hatter.

"Enlighten me Tetch!" Two-Face rolled his good eye not even bothering to fake enthusiasm.

"Keep your voice down," Hatter hissed as a suspicious orderly walked by hovering within earshot.

Having noted this Hatter smiled and continued the conversation in a louder but amiable tone "So Harv old chap, what are you reading now?"

Two-Face also having noticed the orderly replied with equal amiability "a tale of two cities."

"Oh fine choice when your finished I'll swap you for Alice through The Looking Glass. I'm re-reading it you know."

Two-Face groaned inwardly as far as anyone knew that was all Tetch ever did read. The orderly turned on his heel and continued on his way.

Hatter's voice returned to a whisper, "Joker's made a break for it!"

"Seriously?"

"He's got a half an hour's head start they won't notice until headcount!"

"So why are you telling me?" Two-Face hissed.

"I just thought you might want in, that's all."

"You running a book?"

Hatter nodded, "$20 and my weeks sweet rations say he doesn't make it past the Trigate Bridge!"

Two-Face eyed Hatter suspiciously, Joker was probably the best escapologist in Arkham, still if Hatter wanted to give away his money. Two-Face flipped his lucky coin. The double headed one he used to make all major decisions. One side scarred, the other clean and polished. A representation of his physical and mental duality. He turned to Tetch so that only the scarred side of his face showed.

"If it lands scarred side up we have no bet! If the pretty lady lands topside, then I'll take you to the cleaners Tetch!"

Two-Face snatched the coin in midair with his scarred hand and clasped it to his other palm.

He paused, then lifted his hand to reveal the "pretty lady no scars! It seems we have a bet!"

Hatter shook hands gleefully and moved on to Riddler and Ventriloquist. Harvey returned to his book.

"Hey Harv." another voice hissed, it belonged to Garfield Lynn AKA The Firefly, "did you hear about the breakout?"

"So what Lynn?" Two-Face closed his book with exasperation. "Joker's on the lam again big deal!"

"Yeah but not just Joker!"

"What do you mean not just Joker," Two-Face eyed him suspiciously, "who else?"

"Well Scarecrow."

"Crane went with Joker?"

Two-Face looked at him incredulously, did Hatter know? Surely if these two were combining forces they must have one hell of a plan. Two-Face smiled inwardly; the bet was as good as won.

"Joker and Scarecrow," he smiled "well I always say two heads are better than one."

Firefly shook his head, "There's three of em!"

"What? Who else?" Two-Face was out of his chair in a nanosecond, Firefly reading the warning signs to late tried to turn away but Two-Face had him by the scruff of the neck.

"Who else Lynn? Tell me!"

From the corners of his peripheral vision Two-Face knew he only had seconds before the orderly's pounced.

"Killer-Croc's with them too!"

Croc? Two-Face thought, all muscle no brain! If anything were going to slow them down it would be Croc. This put a whole new dimension on the bet.

"TETCH!" Two-Face screamed shoving Firefly to the floor, "you never said nothing about Croc, the bet is off!"

But the first of the orderly's was already in front of him reaching for the mace on his belt. Two-Face saved him the trouble put his hands on his head and knelt on the ground.

"Croc too?" Riddler cried, "No way Hatter no bet!"

Hatter tried to protest that they had already shook hands and inevitably a scuffle ensued.

It was now five minutes to lockdown, and the headcount had started early. Almost all the inmates of A Wing were flat on the floor some frantically trying to rub mace out of their eyes, whilst others were still in spasms from taser shocks. Doctor Bartholomew stood in the corner with his chief orderly.

"Who's missing?" He asked Grimly. "Joker, Scarecrow, and Killer-Croc," came the equally grim reply.

"Go Guys go!" said a voice from the floor.

Doctor Bartholomew turned to try to locate the owner of the voice

"Who said- ?"

But whatever else he had to say was drowned out by a chorus of cheers, and then a wail of sirens as security sounded the escape warning.

Some minutes previously, almost ten minutes before lockdown, Joker, Scarecrow and Killer Croc were having a little problem.

"You know," said Joker as they waded through the sewer, "I'm still trying to recall exactly why I invited you on this little trip Croc!"

"You said you were my friend!" Croc gave him his best puppy look.

"Did I?" Joker honestly couldn't recall, "Well then Croccy old boy I suppose I must've had my reasons!"

"It was just before the Doctor gave you your Thorazine," Scarecrow reminded him.

"Oh well," Joker sighed, "In that case we'll never know!"

"Rat!" Croc screamed like a kid in a sweetshop.

Scarecrow jumped "Did he say Bat?"

"No crow," Joker looked at him pityingly whilst Croc ate the offending rodent, "but pretty close though!"

Joker turned his attention back to Croc, "So Croc do you understand the plan now?"

"Er yeah!" Croc burped, his eyes still glazy from his last bout of tranqs.

Whatever the other patient's intake Killer Croc's dosage was at least triple that of anyone else's. Not just because he was exceptionally violent but also because he had the constitution of an ox.

Joker eyed the half man half reptile with contempt, "I'm so looking forward to the part where I get my hands on some Joker venom and send you to hell!" He thought.

But he couldn't remember the plan, damn that medication!

"Okay Croc," Scarecrow addressed him in his most soothing bordering on patronising tone he could muster. "What do we do when we leave the sewer?"

Croc thought for a long hard moment, he had to stop wading in order to accomplish this. Joker And Scarecrow reluctantly drew to a halt and looked at the monster expectantly.

"Well?" Joker fixed him with a steely grin.

Suddenly Croc's faced lifted he had a revelation "We hide in a tree!" he cried.

Joker and Scarecrow exchanged looks of surprise, he remembered!

"That's very good Croc," Scarecrow continued soothingly, "and why do we hide in a tree?"

Strictly speaking the plan was that they each choose a tree, but at this stage in the game neither Joker nor Scarecrow had the energy to be pedantic. Croc thought about the question but alas it was beyond his grasp.

"I don't know," he finally admitted.

"Because the guards will be looking all over for us you leather skinned cretin!" Joker had finally lost it, "once they move on we can continue overland to the drain at the base of the Trigate Bridge and wait until nightfall, got it? They will think we're long gone and then we can leave at our leisure!"

"Oohhh," Croc nodded, "I knew that!"

"Of course you did Croc," Scarecrow motioned to Joker to let him handle it. "But what do we do if the guards come too close to our tree?"

"I make a noise like a crocodile!" Croc said triumphantly.

"NO! No! No!" Joker screamed, "That is precisely what you don't do you babbling bonehead!"

He was stopped short by Scarecrow's elbow in his ribs.

"What Joker means Croc, is that if the guards try to shine a torch up the tree you might try to mimic an animal that you would expect to find in the countryside, something that would blend in, and the guards will hopefully move on without giving you too much scrutiny."

"No Crocodile?" Croc was disappointed.

"I'm afraid not Croc." Scarecrow shook his head.

"But I do a good Crocodile."

"I'm sure you do Croc," Scarecrow continued soothingly, "maybe you can do it later but right now you need to think about the countryside, I'm very good at crow's and Joker once learned how to do owl calls from Cobblepot."

"Countryside," Croc repeated.

"Yes Croc," Scarecrow continued encouragingly, "Think countryside!"

"By Jove I do believe she's got it!" Joker muttered sarcastically.

They continued in silence, but just as they reached their point of exit they heard the faint low wailing sound of the Arkham alarm.

"Not much time ladies and germs!" Joker beamed, "choose a tree and commune with nature!"

It was almost a whole half hour after lockdown when Orderly's brought them back to A Wing. Two-Face was thinking about turning in early when Joker and Scarecrow's raucous laughter filled the corridor.

"Come on you two move it." Said an Orderly.

Scarecrow's cell was at the far end of the corridor so Two-Face was unable to see but from what he could here crow was doubled over with hysterical laughter. But Joker's cell was just next-door so when he came into view, the green haired, white skinned figure seemed equally amused whilst being escorted back to his cell. Two-Face groaned, Hatter would be after his payment tomorrow, and even though he didn't deserve it Two-Face was giving serious consideration to paying him just to avoid the aggravation. Besides there were other ways he could get even if he set his mind to it.

Joker's cell door clanged shut, Two-Face noted that he was lying on his bed, feet in the air giggling himself stupid. Across the landing the orderly's were wheeling in a heavily tranquillised Killer Croc, Two-Face knew it would take at least seven of them to lift him onto his bed.

"Hey clown!" he hissed as he watched the orderly's struggle, "what's so god damn funny?"

"Oh Harvey!" Joker was crying with mirth, "you should've been there!"

"What happened?"

But Joker couldn't no matter how hard he tried, get it together to articulate; with the exception of Killer Croc no one got much sleep on A Wing that night.

"So we're wading through the sewer," Joker said to an enrapt audience the following day. "But Croccie just didn't get it!"

"Get what?" Two-Face asked.

Joker looked around at his audience, Two-Face, Riddler, Mad Hatter, Firefly, and Ventriloquist were hanging onto his every word.

"He didn't get that we had to hide in the trees after we left the sewer."

"You hide in the trees when you escape that way?" This was from a confused Firefly.

Two-Face looked at him with irritation, "The guards usually go past and start poking around in the bushes." He explained.

"I usually hide in the bushes," Firefly confessed.

"Well now we know why you hardly ever get out!" Joker quipped.

He then went on to tell his audience about the trees and the animal noises.

"Croc, just wanted to pretend to be a Crocodile," Joker explained, "I swear if there had been any blunt instruments to hand I would've finished him off and turned him into a handbag and a pair of loafers!"

"So what happened?" Two-Face persisted.

Joker started to giggle, "Scarecrow told him to try to mimic an animal that you would expect to find in the countryside, something that would blend in. So anyway we get to the end of the sewer, the alarm goes and we each climb up the drain and choose a tree to hide in. And a little while later, the guards arrived with their flashlights. One of them thought he saw movement in my tree so he shines his flashlight into the branches and said;

"Anyone UP there?" So I did my best impression of a grey owl and they moved on to check the other trees. They came up to Scarecrow's next and started flashing their lights and the same doofus say's;

"Anyone UP there?" So Scarecrow starts cawing like a crow, and one of the other guards say's "ahh it's just a crow move on."

Joker's grin widened, "So the guards move on to the last tree, Croc's tree, and one of the guards say's something like;

"I wonder if any of them are up here?" so they shine the flashlight and everyone is listening intently." Joker paused.

"Then Croc said MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

It was a few minutes later when everyone had pulled themselves together, Two-Face had laughed so hard his ribs ached.

"It didn't matter that we failed," Joker explained, "that was the best fun I've had in ages!" He looked around at the crowd, "so who wants to come with me next week?" he asked.

"On one condition," Two-Face stated, "leave the Croc behind!"

"Are you crazy?" Joker said, "He's got to come again that was hilarious "

THE END (for now.)


End file.
